On Cooking

Alright, so, like most of the artsy denizens of this fantastic creature called Internet, I cook. I’m good at it, though lack the means to really stretch my wings.
Somewhere along the way, making food became this ADOOOORABLE thing for girls to do. Teehee, lookit her, making twee little cuppiecakes awww (cupcakes on sticks are totally unsatisfying, by the by. The wrapper is half the fun!). Sadly I blow goats at baking. Not enough hands on treatment.
Cooking is nourishment. Cooking is something you learn by watching people do it. It’s something I learned hanging out in the kitchen growing up, or watching my great aunt bitch her stove out as she threw together the world’s greatest red eye gravy. Cooking is beastial and bloody and full of cusses, a labor of love for people where you risk immolation and the blade so you can make that ham Just So. According to my friend James, I get straight up Old Black Woman in the face of people when trying to instruct them on how to make the gravy.
I still can’t make it. Mom still has only just started making it sort of like my great aunt. Not quite, but it’s getting there. Mine turned out like fucking tomato soup and I scraped the HELL out of the ham drippings. I scraped and then melted butter in the pan and used that in the gravy. There were almost tweezers involved before I decided I’d done enough, or rather Eric made me sit down and it STILL didn’t work. James and Eric both told me to stop apologizing for what was a perfectly good dinner, but I still feel cheated somehow.
On this, T-a few days to Thanksgiving, actually watching TV made me furious. “OH THANKSGIVING IS SO EASY YOU CAN JUST DO STUFF AHEAD OF TIME AND FREEZE IT”. Fuck you, no you can’t. Thanksgiving is the most brutal of all things. The first time I fully made my own turkey and all the fixins for an apartment full of nerds, I cried. A lot. I raged on the phone to mom, who laughed her ass off at me. Arri, too. I ran the whole damn gamut of emotions there. But I got it perfect.
Is it unamerican that I never, ever want to do that again?


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Max
    Nov 24, 2011 @ 01:06:51

    Cooking is good. Cooking is fun. Today i felt like cooking but I am at my mother’s house for Thanksgiving. I wanted to make cinnamon rolls. She has no yeast. NO yeast! How can my mother, the baker of bread, bagels, and whatnot from my childhood not have yeast. I settled for cinnamon biscuits. Tasty, but not the same..not by a long shot.


  2. Ruth
    Nov 24, 2011 @ 01:56:39

    [i]Is it unamerican that I never, ever want to do that again?[/i]

    Nope. I refuse to cook for major holidays. I’ll put the bird in the oven and figure out how long to cook it for, but you want more than that? Keep trying. I MIGHT, and only might, get talked into zucchini bread, and that is the TOTAL extent of my holiday cooking. You want something else you damn well better bring it with you, or hope it comes out of a can (cranberry sauce…..yummm)


  3. Brian Dunbar
    Nov 24, 2011 @ 08:55:34

    Cooking is fun. Staying up ’till 03:30 to make a feast for hordes of friends .. not so much.

    Well, that’s what I’m doing. Or rather my wife is, and I’m fetching this, and that, and lifting pans and pots because her back hurts.


  4. Roberta X
    Nov 24, 2011 @ 18:27:42

    In the middle of Thanksgiving cooking for my roomie and me — I kind of like it, but I make weird stuff, like bacon-mushroom-onion gravy.

    …Welcome to the performing side of the blogosphere — don’t mind the trained seals. 😉


  5. Jess
    Nov 25, 2011 @ 18:13:00

    I personally believe that 70% of emotional disorders are the result of family gatherings, especially Thanksgiving. Since I can only base my theory on personal observation, I can’t really prove anything, although I could send some relatives over and allow you to make your own observations. If you decide to do so, I recommend stocking up on cheap scotch and Xanax.

    One other thing: empty the contents of your medicine cabinet and place them in a safe location.


  6. Thomas
    Nov 29, 2011 @ 03:06:23

    I did it the other way ’round, I went to bed early and got up at 4:00 AM to go cook the turkey for a friend’s shindig


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